I was stupid on Monday. If you know me and think singling out one day for stupidity is wishful thinking on my part – well this was especially moronic. Before I start let me ask for a visualization on your part – try to imagine holding an empty pop bottle (plastic, 16oz) like a cigarette, between your pointer and middle fingers, the sides level with the ground. Now imagine the same thing with an full pop bottle (plastic, 16oz). One’s easy and one’s a bit more trying. Also – keep in mind that England does not have strip malls, McDonalds, Exxons, Waffle Houses and other havens for weary travelers sprinkled along the roadside. What they have is very spread out.
OK…so Monday I had to wake up early and go get my wife’s parents from Gatwick airport..about a 2 hr drive. I wake up, get some coffee, go to the gas station, fill up, get a coke, some water, a candy bar..and I’m off. A half a bottle of water and a coke later and I have to pee. Not so bad, tho – and by my math I had only about 45 minutes left to go. Then traffic stopped. When it finally got moving again 20 minutes later I was almost in tears.
When you’re in a jam where waiting is between you and salvation, if you’re like me, wishfull thinking comes like a flood during the waiting. If only I had a big coffe cup, or a hose that I could trail from my crotch to the window, or sponge pants or…a small plastic coke bottle.
I should have got a clue that I had gone a bit dumb when I thought that I should finish the small amount of coke left in the bottle before spoiling it with pee. Waste not want not. Ok – traffic was thin, button fly undone, bottle uncapped and ready…now, of course in my minds preperations my weiner was going to be just laying on my thigh after I got it out past my drawers, ready to assist. Nope..it was cold.I had to tug it kicking and screaming into the fray. Also my mind seemed to have imagined a bottle with a much bigger hole in the top. A funnel would have been gold at that moment. So would’ve brains.
Ok – weiner in hand, bottle up, held in place with my pointer and middle finger..like a cig. Another check to make sure traffic is clear – no truckers needed to see this. AAaaaaaaannd….aaaaaaand…pppuuuuushhh. My weiner evidently was thinking far clearer than I was. I couldn’t make myself pee and trying to make myself pee was making me have to pee more. Man – this just wasn’t meant to be. Thank god I was stupid.
Another truck check..another push. Finally it started. AAAhhhhhh. Thank god. AAAhhhhh -ooh shit. Here’s were the visualiztion comes in handy – A bottle with an ever increasing amount of liquid becomes harder to hold horizontal, even harder to hold in a specific place in contact with a specific area, a specific area that is being held in place by my thumb and ring finger. I still had at least 6oz to go and I was losing control.
I still don’t know how I kept from just weeing all over my self and my car, but I maintained control. Of my car, my weiner and my wizbottle.
The perfect American Pie finish would involve me losing control of the car on the way home as I reached desperately towards the back seat, trying to grab the wizbottle before my in-law could drink the lemon-coke. That didn’t happen but whoever emptied that carpark trashcans at Gatwick on Monday…..I’m sorry – I really, really had to pee-pee.